marmalade skies

The 25 Funniest Analogies

May 7, 2007

I came across this blog which has a very amusing post - a collection of 25 funniest analogies used by students in their high school essays. If I could break into audible laughter I would, but I'm at the office so a silent 'choke back laugh' is more apt . This is a fun read :) Courtesy of http://writingenglish.wordpress.com.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

 


Posted by empyrean at 7:09 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

Funny analogies, those are!

Here’s a few more that I’ve read on random places in the internet, all of them from the same author (he’s a funny ass guy, and I love getting pointers from him on how to write like that):

“It’s not that the game gets anything really wrong, it’s just that it never tries to achieve. It’s so thoroughly vanilla that excitement seems to be as unreachable as peace in the Middle East.”

“To equip my double pistols and start mashing the button like a pubescent choirgirl with a copy of Teen People.”

“Unlimited Saga is so boring and tedious to play that it borders on torture, and I could hardly forget that every minute playing it could have been spent with something far more enjoyable—like getting a double habanero enema followed by a broken glass chaser, or wearing a loincloth made of beef liver and leaping naked into a pit of syphilitic rottweillers.”

“The game was so confusing and such a mess that I could not finish it or even make much progress. If your kids can figure this game out, put them into your school’s “gifted” program and start saving up for college.”

“I grew such hatred for it that it went out my window and became a gift to the creatures living at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. I’m sure the sea cucumbers will get more use out of it than I will.”

“It’s uninspired, uninteresting, and shows less sophistication than a Baby Einstein video.”

And a few more from other people:
“Why are all these critics praising a woman whose voice is so irritating that upon listening to it you would rather be at a three hour lecture on the biology of laughter taught by Fran Drescher?”

“When all those ideas get patched together, what we have is music’s equivalent of Frankenstein – dull, dumb, drab, droopy and dreaded. “

Posted by Kris at May 8, 2007, 12:42 pm

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